One time I was working as a waiter at a burger joint where the fries were tossed in salt and coriander and as I was bringing food over to the table for these two huge beefy guys one of them asks what the green stuff is so I go "it's coriander" and his friend goes very seriously "he can't have coriander" and I'm thinking shit ok maybe he's allergic and guy 1 starts pulling up his sleeve to show me something and I'm thinking shit shit shit he's probably breaking out in hives rn and it's my fault but he just shows me his arm and he has this huge cursive font tattoo that just says "I fucking hate coriander"

You guys just hate that I live a fun and interesting life

Oh I don't necessarily disbelieve. That's just my tag for all real-life stories on this platform. As opposed to #allegedly fake stories, which is my tag for tumblr fiction.

Ok you know what I respect that that's a good tagging system have a nice day

who the hell uses the delayed start function on a dishwater? what kind of asshole says “ohhhh I want these dishes clean. 8 hours from now.”

it's hot enough to fly an egg out there

Me: "Oh, haha, they typed FLY an egg, what a funny little typo."

Video: *plays*

Me:

photomatt step down you bougie bitch

oh god that airplane is headed right for the airport

I truly sacrificed to create this ridiculous mug. biting clay is a bad sensory experience 😔 who would have guessed

I’m tempted not to glaze the bite marks so it looks like it was bitten through the glaze lmao

I showed this to my husband and he said he wants four mugs like this in various states of eaten, so he can swap when no one’s looking and make it look like he’s actually eating it.

@ anybody who's started getting interested in slay the princess after watching Markiplier play it: trust me. trust me on this. stop watching his playthrough. don't even think about his playthrough. ideally wait for the pristine cut to be released (completely free expansion to the game.) but if you're impatient it's complete as-is. go play it yourself. as blind as possible. trust me. TRUST ME. the game is SO MUCH BETTER when you're the one behind the wheel, making all the choices, and you don't know what will happen when you make them.

it's a very, very, very good game, if you can't afford it the devs are perfectly fine with piracy, there are two of them, they have plenty of the money they need to support their future projects, you can always buy the game later or official slay the princess merch to support them financially, i'm telling you this for your own good, trust me, you want to play it yourself and you want to avoid Markiplier's playthroughs until you do.

yeah! pirate it! or buy it for 20% off this weekend or pirate it! the important thing is that your first experience of Slay the Princess is *yours.* we've written so many branching scenarios, and we want your first playthrough to be a reflection of *you*

Do you love Black women all the time or do you only love Black women when they're fuckable?

Do you love Black women when they speak up for themselves? When they tell you no? When they are opinionated? When they don't look like a model with a fat ass? Do you love Black women when they're not naked covered in baby oil? What do you love about Black women outside of their ability to take care of you or give you sexual gratification? Answer quickly.

LMFAOOOOO

if i tell yall what i did on the tram today yall would call it a fake tumblr story i think

oh?

so it helps to know that my mindset at the time was influenced by having been transphobically sealioned at a temping agency earlier, as well as spontaneously turning up to a different temping agency without an appointment & actually landing with them after THOSE guys turned out to be cool.

I was on the tram (crowded tram) (just after 11 AM) on my way home full of adrenaline still, and saw my dad eating a banana on the platform. I could get out of the tram to say hi, but then i'd miss the tram, or worse, hold it up. What i COULD do, however, is sprint out of the tram as soon as the door opens, take a bite from the banana my dad is holding, and SPRINT back into the tram before the doors close. So That Is What I Did.

unfortunately now roughly half of the passengers of the tram were looking at me like I was suddenly some sort of feral spirit of hunger or perhaps a strange insect of some sort.* Fortunately, the truth was also the ONE sequence of words that could make what they had just witnessed okay. I went "das ist mein papa!!!" which is german for "thats my dad!!!!!"

My dad seemed genuinely delighted by this btw. the look on his face was fucking PRICELESS

i would like to beat the little german boy accusations based on my behavior before they arise. i am in fact a tall german trans girl.

however in everything except body i AM calvin from calvin & hobbes

There should be a comic or manga about a maid who is very annoyed with her coworkers because she's trying to clean the mansion and make sure dinner is served on time and all the linens are put away, but she's the only one who is here to do all that. She's an actual Victorian-style housemaid, but the rest of the maids are maids in the hentai/erotica sense.

So she's going to check and see why the paintings in the east wing haven't been dusted, and walks in on the maid responsible getting eaten out by a scullery maid on a pile of dirty laundry. She's like "sigh, just try to do your duties when you're done?"

She's having to work late into the night mopping the kitchen floors because the maids who are supposed to do that have been tied up in the dungeon by the lady of the house for like four days now.

She never gets involved in all this hankypanky. She's way too busy for any of that, since she's having to do all the tasks that are getting interrupted by all the damn sex.

She has to do the grocery shopping herself because everyone else she's tried singing just comes back with alcohol and whipped cream and condoms and that's not going to help with Thursday's lobster bisque dinner, now is it?

She did try to ask the head chef what ingredients they needed for the meal but he just listed off every aphrodisiac food he could think of. She sighs. "The French", she thinks while rolling her eyes.

She is very overworked and sighs a lot. I kinda love this character and she's only existed for the duration of this post. Ace maid!

wait i’m experiencing white people culture shock on tiktok again

please rb i can’t believe this is real

Mesh loofah. Cheap, lathers well, exfoliates some, soap doesn't fall out of it onto the shower floor like it does your hands. Washcloths are great too tho.