I may be an unpaid intern, but I am also an absolute fucking meme lord.

The Awesome Coffee Club now has backyard compostable k-cups as well as whole bean and ground coffee. We are your one-stop shop for all your coffee needs.

And unlike the coffee you currently drink, our profit doesn’t go toward making Howard Schultz richer and better-equipped to bust unions. It goes to expand access to healthcare for pregnant people and kids. Drink better coffee that you can feel better about.

Rightwing fuckwads on twitter are constantly using the 2014 tumblr drama to say that I was "accused" of "stalking" teen girls. (Which I wasn't, of course, and if I had been, it would've been slanderous.)

It's all so exhausting. I know this shit isn't written in good faith, but it still bothers the hell out of me for both the obvious reasons and reasons I don't care to get into.

It just feels more and more like the whole social internet runs on bad faith and a hermeneutic of ungenerosity.

Tea is coming. Monday.

I'm so glad you're enjoying your coffee! It really is so good, and nobody's paying me to say that.

(Currently only available in the U.S., because a big part of what makes it special is the freshness.)

Man, fuck that guy and his fucking coffee.

Most of these celebrity coffee brands are worse than grocery store coffee--they use the cheapest possible coffee, farmed in horrific labor conditions on land hugely degraded by deforestation. They exploit workers, land, and communities and then ask you to buy their coffee because you feel some vague 'affiliation' with the famous person in question, who has somehow managed to present themselves as oppressed and victimized.

"Oh, woe is me, I tried to overthrow democracy and as a result have some legal bills. Buy my coffee." It's all just obvious, transparently avaricious bullshit.

Don't buy Rudy's coffee. Buy our coffee. It's really good. We work hard to make it delicious. We pay our farmers well, and those farmers aren't contributing to deforestation. It's just a better way to drink coffee--and nobody's paying me to say that, which Giuliani sure as fuck can't say.

It makes me sad that 10,000 people get to enjoy our coffee every month but over 8,000,000,000 do not.

Drink better coffee. (And soon, tea.)

Very grateful that tumblr officially declared me the best coffee company, which you can tell is a thing that happened from this official image.

Join over 10,000 members of the awesome coffee club. Drink better coffee and feel good knowing that 100% of the profit goes to charity.

And right now, you can get 50% off your first order, but only for today!

It is, truly, astonishing what humans can nostalgicize.

Not sure how many times I have to explain to y'all that I am an old.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be the social media intern for a coffee company donates its profit to charity when you are FORTY-SIX YEARS OLD?!

When I learned how to use the Internet, it was made out of green letters on a black screen. I don't know how to make memes!

I don't know how to gif!

I don't know how to upload high-res jpgs to tumblr when I'm on a flight from Portland to Minneapolis and the Internet on the plane sucks!

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm literally just trying to stay alive and sell coffee.

The Fault in Our Stars movie came out ten years ago today.

Do I Have Any Advice for You

Yes. Life is long if you're lucky and full of struggles. There are many downsides that accompany personhood, but also much joy. We are here to love and be loved, to know and be known, and to pay attention. The gift of our attention is unprecedented in the history of Earth life, and a power to wield with care and attention.

But that is not my advice. My advice is to--if it is at all possible--shed your human skin entirely and become a corporation. Ideally, become a coffee company that donates all its profit to charity. But any kind of corporation will do in a pinch.

According to the U.S. Supreme Court, as a corporation you will still be a person, but you will no longer be confined to the decaying bacterial colony known as your body. You will ascend to Corporate Personhood, the highest form of Personhood available to late stage capitalist societies, where you enjoy all the benefits of person status with none of the biological trials and tribulations.

one thing we forget about people on the internet is that we know almost nothing about them. Would i know if somebody's kid has congestive heart failure? Only if they tell me! Would I know if somebody is experiencing severe mental health problems? Only if they tell me! Would I know if someone has cancer? Only if they tell me!

This is a weird thing about being online. We can know a lot about someone--this person is a Christian, and a father of three children, and married to that person, and likes Cheerios--but we only know what they told us, which is--of course--almost nothing.

And yet, human pattern-makers that we are, we inevitably fill in the gaps in information with assumptions that are based on whether we kinda assume the best of someone or kinda assume the worst of them. Like, I do not imagine that Elon Musk came home from his hard work making everyone's life worse yesterday and held a sick friend's hand as that friend died--but of course that's possible! I don't know!

This happened to me a lot when I was on tumblr the first time. People often filled in gaps by assuming the worst in me, and that's fair enough, I guess. These days, people tend to (although not exclusively) fill in the gaps by assuming the best of me. But both are assumptions informed by extremely limited information, which is almost impossible to remember in the daily grind of Internet Life.

Amazing. Now I've got unpaid interns to help me out with my unpaid internship.

I made a crash course about this.