"I figured hey, if I'm here, I might as well be honest with myself. So I dug into the archives. And I found teenage Dan. Do you remember HELLO INTERNET? There I was, eighteen years old, your average caucasian British boy with your problematic vocabulary, just wanting so desperately to be liked. I then saw myself age twenty, as a student. Not that I was actually studying anything other than the male anatomy. I had no plan. No prospects. I was in desperate need of a haircut. Jesus Christ. No, look, that was not a hairstyle. It was geometry. My hair was a square. I then saw myself age twenty-two as an adult, just trying to make my way in the world, taking any job that I could, no matter how inauthentic or degrading. And look. I don't hate these past versions of myself, alright? Apart from the square one, it can get in the fucking bin. Mainly, I just feel sorry that it took them so long to work out who they are. I then stumbled across the video titled Existential Crisis. In which I utter the optimistic nihilistic epithet: 'embrace the void and have the courage to exist'. Embrace the void and have the courage to exist. It sounded nice when I said it but for some reason it just didn't hit. I had accepted the absurdity of the world but at that time, I hadn't accepted myself. Looking back at it, it finally clicked. Anyone who has suffered with depression or any kind of trauma that seriously affects your self-worth hopes that one day you're going to have this sudden revelation and then everything is fine. I had my revelation alright. I am unapologetically gay! Don't know if you hadn't picked up on that, so far in the show. But just having this revelation did not immediately fix all of my problems, because I still feel that inherent burnt-on brand that I am wrong. And that doesn't just go away. No, I know what my problem is, alright. My problem I am always living for the future. Every day I am thinking about this dream future where all of my dreams have come true and all of my problem have gone and everything's fine. And so, every day in the present of my life can be this joyless unrelenting grind towards that future. But it's okay. It's going to come any day now, right? Learning to look yourself in the mirror and being honest about what you've been through and keep living in spite of that can be hard. It takes a long time and a relentless persistent resistance against the way that you've been trained to feel by the world. But that doesn't just mean you should give up. Because, sure, sometimes in life, you may feel trapped. I felt trapped by my sexuality. You could feel trapped by your culture or your community. Hell, you could be literally trapped in an elevator but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to get out. 'cause, sure, when I look at the state of the world, I am very tempted to just go: You know what - we're all doomed. But that isn't courageous. That is cowardly. It's the easy way out. Even if it is, as I hope you'd all agree, a really fucking cool name for a show. So that's the thing. You can either say to yourself, every day is just a discontent emoji or you can find the courage to force your inner smiling cowboy hat, ye-motherfucking-haw! And just try to find in everyday life. Which is why I made this show. So I'm not living in the future but I'm just right here, right now, with you, just trying to have one good night. And look. Hey. Who knows, huh? We may all be doomed. Death may be inevitable. But first, we get to live. Life might at times be a struggle but just being here, to put one foot in front of the other every day is living. So please, do not let the doom drag you down. You are important. You matter. Please, stay hopeful for the future. Appreciate life. Embrace the void and have the courage to exist." - Dan Howell, closing monologue of his show "we're all doomed" (2022-2024)

nun this priest that what about THEM

australia adventures

I love that we’re talking about the original mukbang video so I’m going to try to put something into words.

We talk a lot about the Dan side of ‘do you ever feel like you don’t have a personality’ but there’s something for me about the way Phil says ‘not when you’re just with me’ that’s so telling. Because I think Phil puts on a face/ plays a role/ hides things far more than Dan so it feels like an admittance that he absolutely doesn’t do that just with Dan. He considers the time when it’s just the two of them as a safe space to be 100% himself. And as someone who hides a lot of myself and acts differently around different groups of people that really hit for me.

some advice for people wanting to send asks to nonwestern/nonwhite phannies bc they said something criticizing dan and phil:

1: don’t

2: dan and phil are adults and don’t need you to defend them

3. the nyt connections is free and a good way to let off some steam instead of falling into reactionary conservativism!

4. dont!

Flirting 101 with Dan and Phil Dailybooth Sept/Oct 2009

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mukbang thoughts:

i just rewatched because obviously. it's nice to see how excited they were about the ii dvd (and so proud - understandable! huge accomplishment!) but there was also an overall melancholy vibe. like, tour was over. dan was sort of unsure what was next (which he says in the video in regards to his channel and just how tour gave him day-to-day purpose). they talk briefly about dan's breakdown a month before tour started. and obviously it must have just been a HUGE come down after going full-tilt for months and months on tour and then weeks editing the DVD. all the while keeping up the gaming channel (and phil's channel).

but we also know more about the behind the scenes. we know dan was SUPER struggling with his sexuality and coming out. that was the whole reason behind the breakdown. and he talks about emerging from his chrysalis "soon" AND about how he's struggling to live authentically. also pretty clear they knew the hiatus was coming (not how long, just that it was coming. phil doesn't outwardly struggle or allude to his own being in the closet, but we know NOW it did affect him, just differently than dan. and how much more free he feels now. like, phil even made a few gay jokes (the delivery person looked like zac efron etc) but we know those would go 100x harder now.

after the mukbang i watched a much more recent video that was similar in banting tone. i watched viewers roast dan's outfits. the difference in how happy they seemed was super obvious. like clearly they weren't as tired after travelling around the world, but they were just free and open and holding none of themselves back. leaning into the gay on purpose. reveling in it. what a stark contrast to go from pre-coming out content to post-coming out content.

so i guess what i'm saying is, a new mukbang with post-coming energy?? where they spill more tea?? now i'm even MORE hyped.

I think that in order to honor our ancestors (cards against humanity; phan edition) we should create an incoherent: phan edition please and thank you

it might take a little longer than 24 hours to edit. they've got to take the time lying on seperate sofas making whale noises at each other before they start