You nap when you're tired, rest when you're sore, and (hopefully) take a mental health day when it all feels like too much. But what about when you can't fathom following through on another "let's grab drinks after work" because the couch looks way more tempting than talking about your hobbies and how many siblings you have...yet again?
Friends, here is exactly what to do in this scenario: nothing. Don't agree to or go on the date. Don't force yourself to engage in a tired Q&A session, you know, just in case. Don't spend minutes you can't get back agonizing over falling behind in the socially ingrained race to Find The One By A Certain Age. Instead, make no plans at all.
Okay, fine, a lot easier said than done. That social pressure is real, and ignoring it can cause anxiety of a different sort, especially because we often associate getting closer to being in a relationship with productivity, says dating and relationships coach Clara Artschwager, "so our tendency is to do even more. You think, I always have to be 'on' and working at this in order to secure the thing that I want."
But if dating stopped being satisfying or even fun three apps ago, pushing forward might actually be working against you—and it's time to step back, says licensed couples therapist Patricia Lamas Alvarez. (Being stuck in a cycle of first dates—or dates that rarely go beyond a second or third meeting—is another sign you could benefit from a pause, says Artschwager.)
Ideally, your dating break lasts for 30 days. That's long enough to help you recharge and identify any unsuccessful patterns in your romantic life. It also gives you a great opportunity to think about how to make the proverbial getting back out there feel more exciting. And in the meantime, you can follow these tips to get the most out of your very hard-earned sabbatical.
Work With Silence
A lot of dating is thinking about dating: Why haven't they texted me back? Should I switch up my profile pics? Am I getting ghosted? And that doesn't leave much room for you to pull back and take a bigger-picture look at what's working for you and what's not. That's why Artschwager suggests going on drives, working out, cleaning your home—anything you'd usually do while listening to music—in silence. You might just find the clarity you didn't have before.
Do Something (Alone!) Just for the Fun of It
That improve class you've always thought about taking? The race you never quite found time to train for? A weekend getaway somewhere tropical? Do it! Learning to enjoy your own company helps you get to know yourself better, says Lamas Alvarez—and therefore helps you understand what you really need in a relationship. You'll also get a sense of pride and accomplishment from committing to something and sticking with it, boosting your confidence in the process.
Open Up and Find Support
There's power in letting a loved one hold space for your frustration—not necessarily to help you find a solution but to reassure you that your feelings are valid. "Feeling seen is essential medicine when you're trying to recalibrate," says Artschwager, who points out that by venting, you're letting yourself receive care and attention, which can open you up to those very things from people you date in the future. Don't feel like letting it all out? Find a podcast, a book, an online essay—any media—in which somebody else who shares similar struggles can provide assurance that you're not alone.
Come Back With Intention
You'll know you're ready to step back into the ring when the idea sparks genuine excitement and doesn't feel like such a heavy lift—when dating sounds like fun again versus something you feel you have to do because "time is running out," says Artschwager. And that energy will ideally be accompanied by a new sense of clarity about what you're looking for, says Lamas Alvarez.
Just remember to take it slow, so you can avoid burnout from now on. It's better to go on one or two dates a month that you enjoy and feel relaxed about than to overpack your calendar with a mad dash of meetups. Being intentional about your habits also helps you attract people with similar values, and those folks are probably way more compatible with you anyway.
