Here it is, here’s me letting everything out. It was both exhausting and very cleansing to make this video. I surprised myself, unexpectedly I cried through the first take and couldn’t breathe in the end of it, I was so upset, but also very confused. I didn’t think I had all that anger inside me anymore but I did. We’re all dealing with something and I think it’s important that we don’t hold it back, we need to let it out, talk about how we feel, there’s no shame in that. It’s the only way to feel better.
I’ve been Cruel to people people have been Cruel to me but mostly I’ve been Cruel to myself.
I’m so hard on myself I’m a perfectionist. If I don’t do things perfectly instantly I start beating myself up mentally.
I don’t know how to receive a compliment, to be honest..compliments piss me off because I don’t think I deserve them. That’s a lot of pressure I put on myself. It’s a difficult situation. It’s Cruel.
Even now as I’m writing this I’m thinking ‘this is all crap and I’m never gonna be a good writer’. But I’m used to that, I’m used to feeling unsatisfied with everything I do. As sad as that sounds, having this judging version of me always by my side, it makes me do the best I can in everything I do and I’m always trying to find ways to do things even better.
I’m not struggling, I’m just constantly competing with myself and it excites me, it keeps me moving forward.
Cruelty is all around everywhere. There’s no way of escaping it. I’m always gonna see it hear it feel it.
What I decide to do with it changes everything.
It’s always gonna affect me in some way. But I can either let it break me down or I can let it make me stronger.
The cruelty I got from other people, it changed me, I took it so personally.
When I was 5 years old in kindergarten, all the girls were scared of the boys, they would run after us.
So every time the boys came, the girls screamed.
I remember I was terrified of the boys, they would pull my hair and push me over. Nobody did anything about it. What an odd game to play at 5 years old.
When I was 10 years old kids made fun of me. They called me names. I was different, had big curly hair, body so skinny I was called ‘skeleton’. I didn’t feel like I was allowed to be myself.
I had to fit in. Be like everybody else.
When I was 12 years old the girls ignored me. I wasn’t there, I didn’t exist, I wasn’t welcome, I wasn’t good enough. I thought I was a total loser. Nobody wanted to talk to me or spend time with me.
I thought, nobody wanted me there or anywhere.
When I was 16 years old I felt pressure to start dating. I met a guy online he seemed nice I wasn’t ready for a relationship I wasn’t ready for anything I just wanted something innocent but that didn’t exist in his mind.
Cuz on the second date
he raped me.
For a few years I felt broken, I was shy, insecure, scared, depressed, unsure.
Because I didn’t understand humans
behavior feelings thoughts.
All of a sudden the world seemed like such a complicated place. All this cruelty, I felt surprised. Being a young girl living in a country that was usually so safe so quiet.
I started to build up these walls around me, to protect me from everyone and everything. The walls were sadness cold attitude straight face no smile eye contact that made you feel unwelcome. I didn’t trust anyone, if someone got too close I pushed them away, I pushed them so far away from me. I thought it would protect me but it didn’t, it only hurt the people around me.
But then someone reminded me of that person I was trying to protect with these walls I had built. The person I used to be, the happy little girl. I had been so focused on protecting her. I forgot to let her breathe see hear sing dance laugh smile shine.
She had been back there this whole time hiding suffocating.
Now I’m slowly letting her out. I’m letting her shine through my eyes my voice my attitude my fingers.
For the last couple of months for the first time ever, I feel strong, I feel like I’m enough. I don’t have to be anything but myself. I’ve found balance, I feel comfortable, I’m not scared anymore.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
But people are Cruel I’ve been Cruel to people people have been Cruel to me and mostly I’ve been Cruel to myself.
There’s no way of escaping it but we can decide to not let it break us down. We can use it as a tool to make us stronger. But it’s not gonna be easy, it’s never easy. From time to time we’ll have to let our emotions out. Some might think it’s not necessary but to me it is necessary.
I think it’s important to let ourselves be vulnerable angry hurt confused.
Cuz these are the emotions we usually don’t let out, the ones we keep locked away the ones that we’re ashamed of the ones that make us look crazy but are the ones that need freedom.
That’s the purpose of my song ‘Cruel’ it’s your chance to let go.
Cuz afterwards you’ll feel so much better, you can even listen to my other song ‘Body’ dance a little bit have some cake and you’ll be fine
in this week’s Music Spotlight, we’re featuring 21-year old Icelandic native, Glowie (@glowieofficial), who’s both a singer and trained dancer. Right now, she’s taking her R&B-leaning pop style to create music that reflects her past of bullying and speaks to body positivity. We talked to her about her passion for helping people, advice on self-love and her fear of the ocean.
1) Give us a 2-3 sentences on something you are extremely passionate about.
I’m really passionate about helping people, when I see someone struggling I really can’t leave it alone I always need to do something. I’m that annoying person who never tells you what you want to hear but what you need to hear. I’m always looking forward and thinking in solutions, what can I do to make things better.
2) What is the message you are trying to convey through your newest song, “Body”?
‘Body’ is about feeling free and confidant, it’s about giving yourself compliments and not really care what anybody else thinks. It’s about feeling happy with who you really are and not having to hide or pretend, you can be carefree and believe you can do anything.
3) What kind of advice can you give to those struggling with body image?
Find the real reason why you feel insecure with your body, find the bottom line, where does this feeling really come from. I’m sure you’ll find that it comes from what you’ve seen and heard from other people, in magazines, on TV…. and you’re comparing yourself to that which is totally normal. But you have to be able to take all of that to the side and not let it affect how you feel about yourself and really look in the mirror and find your confidence. Confidence and self love is important and no one can give it to you, you have to find it yourself.
4) What’s one thing that scares you and one thing that excites you? Why?
I’m scared of the ocean and the waves, I’m scared of being in it or near it. I don’t know why but I think It might be because it’s so big and the waves are so strong and there are so many creatures down there that we don’t know, I guess it’s a fear of not knowing what’s there or what’s coming. The thing that excites me the most is being at a concert, I’ve only been to a few but it’s always the same feeling every time. Watching a show and watching someone performing they’re art, the music is so loud you can feel the bass vibrating in your brain, everyone is just lost in the moment enjoying the music.
Interested to hear more? Check out Glowie’s latest music video to “Body” here, and be sure to follow her at @glowieofficial.
