Caffeine and Magix

witterprompts:

“Look, I had no idea vampires were real. Why would I have believed that?”

“We only travel at night,” Jamie says. He looks around to Daria for support. “You’ve never seen either of us in daylight.”

Carmen scratches the back of her neck. “I thought maybe Daria was allergic to the sun or something. ‘Cause she’s so pale.”

Daria is looking at her like she’s never seen her before. “You’re a witch.”

“Duh,” Carmen says. “But just because I exist doesn’t mean you do. I mean, I’ve never seen any evidence of vampires before.

“We made you get rid of your silver jewelry,” Daria says.

“I thought that was because it’d attract muggers,” Carmen says. She shifts from foot to foot. “So I guess you guys aren’t drinking a lot of cranberry juice then?”

“No,” Jamie says flatly. “That’s blood.” He starts to say something else and stops. Raises a finger, opens his mouth, and deflates. Finally says, “What–what do you think we hired you for?”

“Well,” Carmen says, fiddling with her witch’s pouch around her waist, “in light of recent revelations, I’d rather not say.”

Daria and Jamie glance at each other. “I really think you need to say,” Daria says.

“Agreed,” says Jamie, folding his arms over his chest.

Carmen mumbles something under her breath.

“Extreme what?” Daria asks.

Carmen throws her hands up in the air. “Extreme LARPing okay? Live action roleplaying! I mean, what did you guys think when I stipulated no romantic relationships?” She looks mortified. “I told you guys my hard limits.”

“We thought you were being speciest!” Jamie shakes his head. “Wait, those were your hard limits for sex? Are you–” His eyes jump from her toe to head suggestively.

“Sometimes,” Carmen says. “When the clients are hot. Or when I’m bored. Surprising few people want to hire a witch in this day in age, actually, so I’m bored a lot.”

“Oh my god,” Daria says, rubbing a hand over her face. “Okay, okay, so we’ve been suicidally trying to track down a sorcerer with a Dominatrix.”

“I will have you know,” Carmen says, lifting her chin, “that I am a Switch.” She pauses. “Emphasis on the witch, get it?”

Daria and Jamie watch her laugh at her own joke for a good thirty seconds.

“How,” Jamie asks Daria, “are we not dead?”

“Probably because, even while playing pretend,” Carmen says, wiping tears out of her eyes, “I’m the best at my job in, like, seven countries.” She giggles once more. “Oh my god, that was a real attack, wasn’t it? Last week? With the death spell?” She laughs. “Can you imagine how fucked you’d be if I was just a sex worker?”

“Yes,” Daria says, “I can. That’s why I’m not laughing.”

“Have you been actually tracking the sorcerer?” Jamie asks Carmen. “Or have you just been pretending that part too?”

“Oh,” Carmen says, “I’ve been tracking him.” She flicks her hand and a purple plane appears in the air in front of them. On it is a blinking, white light. “I’ve known where he is for, like five days.”

“Five days?!” they both exclaim.

“And you didn’t think to mention that?” Daria asks, nearly ripping her hair out.

“That’s the funniest part,” Carmen says, still grinning. “I thought he was, like, the other participant! You know, like a sexy sort of hide and go seek thing–”

“No!” Jamie blurts out. He looks like he’s somewhere between indignant, furious and embarrassed. “No! The Sorcerer killed our entire Court! We’re trying to find him to kill him.”

“The contract said that you wanted me to finish him,” Carmen says.

Daria looks at her blankly. “How would that–” Her eyes widen “–no.”

“Yes,” Carmen says. She claps her hands together. “But! I can do him dead for real, if you want! I kind of feel bad? About the mix up, so I won’t even charge you extra.”

“Yes,” the vampires say emphatically.

“Cool, cool, cool, cool,” Carmen says. “Coming right up. i just need his name for the curse.”

A pause.

“Are you saying,” Daria says carefully, “that this entire time you could have just magicked him to death?”

“Not this entire time,” Carmen says defensively. “I would’ve had to have been within, like, two miles of him.”

Jamie makes a strangled sound. “We’re within two miles of him?!”

“Less,” Carmen confirms cheerfully. She makes grabby hands at them. “Gimme a name, let’s get this done.”

“His name,” Daria says through clenched teeth, “is Mikhail Arnette.”

Carmen stills. “Mikhail Arnette?” The air around her darkens and an ethereal breeze picks up her long, red hair. “Mikhail Arnette?”

Jamie feels her power like ice across his skin and he takes a slow step back. “Is that a…problem?”

“Problem?” Carmen asks, voice shrill. She grins at them, eyes wide, expression unhinged. “That’s fucking great news!” She cackles. “I’ve been wanting to do that bastard in since the fucking 19th century!”

“What,” Daria says.

“And now I finally can!” Carmen rubs her hands together, the darkness beginning to swirl around her. “Because you asked me to! The restrictions don’t prevent me from fulfilling a request!” She cackles again and holds her hands out in front of her. The darkness gathers between them, slowly solidifying into a ball.

“Restrictions?” Jamie asks, lost.

Carmen isn’t listening to him. When the ball floating between her hands is completely opaque, she stomps on the ground twice. In front of her, a jagged tear appears in the air. “Knock, knock, motherfucker!”

The tear opens and through it Jamie and Daria can see him. Their enemy. The one whose magic is known to be the most powerful on earth. The one who is responsible for so much devastation. The one who killed their Queen and their brothers and sisters.

The one who is…showering?

“Oh, fu–” Mikhail Arnette starts to say, turning to the tiled shower wall in a desperate attempt to avoid what’s about to happen.

Carmen shrieks with glee as the black ball shoots from her hands, tearing into the man like a cannonball. They have just enough time to see his horrified, bloodless face, before the dark energy consumes him, leaving nothing behind but ash.

The tear in the air slowly closes, taking with it the image of the destroyed shower.

As one, the vampires turn to Carmen, slack-jawed.

“What?” Daria breaks the silence.

“Right?” Carmen asks, still grinning. The dark has dissipated and the breeze has died. She stands in front of them the same woman she’s been for weeks. “What a rush! Oh god, I can finally cross that off my list.”

“We–we’d like an explanation,” Jamie tries. “Why did you want to kill him?”

“It’s a pretty long explanation,” Carmen says. “Think of the Hunger Games but with witches and, like, no time limit.” She squints at him. “Did you not want him dead? Because that could get quite sticky for me–”

“No, no,” Daria says quickly. “I–thank you. For killing him. It’s just–we didn’t quite expect it to be so easy.”

“Or possible,” Jamie mutters. “Period.”

Carmen smiles again. “Sweeeeeet, that means I’ve taken the lead! Call me if you ever need another witch killed, free of charge.” She turns to leave the hotel room, boots making no sound on the cheap carpet.

“Wait!” Daria reaches out, grabbing her arm. “That’s–that’s it?”

Carmen looks at the hand wrapped around her upper arm and then to Daria. “Er, yeah.” She cocks her head. “Unless…you want there to be more?”

Daria releases her like she’s on fire and holds her hands up. “No, no, I just–”

“Well,” Jamie interrupts, “let’s not be hasty.”

Daria turns to look at him, mouth agape.

“I’m not saying today,” Jamie defends. He pauses. “Just, you know…let’s not put future business with her off the table.” 

Daria’s eyes flick to the cheap bed and then away. She tries to find words but can’t seem to make her mouth work.

“Or off the bed,” Carmen says cheerfully when Daria says nothing. “You lot have my card! Now I really gotta get to Toronto. Certain interested parties will want to know about Arnette and, trust me, you do not want them to leave Toronto.”  She turns once more to leave.

This time neither vampire stops her.